Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140503-1751a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm at the Machynlleth Comedy Festival with Lloyd Langford, and my guest is Ed Gamble.

Primal Scream rocks, kicking us off on Saturday the something something of May ... uh, ... or, just, uh, something of May. I think we're still in a single digit. Uh, I've no idea. Uh, Lloyd, who is, uh, with me as co-host today. He's looking down on a newspaper. Fill him (me) in, Lloyd. / It's the 2nd of May. / The 2nd of May. / ... unless it is yesterday's paper, which it is. It's the 3rd of May. / It's the 3rd of ... I ... You looked at me when I was stumbling about the date, as if I was making an ... a real meal of this (make a meal of ... make it seem bigger than it actually is), and it's not as easy as it looks giving the old (friendly exression, not literally 'old') date, is it? giving the correct date / people are under pressure once the mics are on. / Maybe they should do that with the news and the travel (information). / What? / ... that they just give the date before your show. / Yeah. ... Easier and harder than it looks, mate. Uh, now, uh, we are here in Machynlleth. That's where we are. We are, Lloyd and I are ... well, we are in Aberystwyth, I should say. We are in a studio in Aberystwyth ... because Lloyd and I are at Machynlleth Comedy Festival, a wonderful, little ... boutique festival, I think they call it, Lloyd, that means it's, uh, small and friendly and nice. / Yes. / Doesn't it? As, ... as it hasn't got a hand / No, not like, uh, Glastonbury. / Not like Glastonbury, you know. No. it's a very small little festival in, uh, in Wales. Come along to Machynlleth Comedy Festival, where you can see people like Ed Gamble, who is with us today on this show. / Hello. / It (that) was quite a slick way of bringing you in. / It was great. I liked it. / Yeah. Ed Gamble, who is gonna be here for the first ... I think you are here for the first hour / I'm here for the first hour, yeah. / And I imagine that, usually what happens whenever ... uh ... you know, I've, sort of, been around the world with this show, and every now and again I will, come for ... do it from comedy festivals and whenever I invite somebody on the show, they always turn up the next morning, look regreting the fact that they've agreed to come on the show. / Yeah, I'm ... I'm shattered. / Yeah. You walked in here earlier, and I could see by (the look on) your face that you hated me, you hated the show, hated every listener, personally. / Well, I've hated you for a long time. / Yeah, yeah, but there is more to it this time. / Yeah. The listeners I have only hated since this morning. / It is horrible. There is nothing worse than doing a comedy festival, having a great time, uh, you work late into the night ... you were comparing last night, you were hosting the big gala show where ... / Yeah. / showcases all the actors on the festival ... you hosted until ... what time this morning? / ten past two this morning / till ten past two this morning. / Yeah. / and the next morning, first thing / the taxi knocks on your door and goes, "BBC Wales, mate." and you go "God, have I agreed to that rubbish?" ... Here you are. / Here I am. / Here you are. I thought what ... what usually happens at festivals as I arrive, and I sort of start asking around, you know, / evening / asking people / say "Do you wanna come on this show tomorrow?", people say "No." ... Last, ... yesterday, last night, I asked one ... I asked Rob Deering, who sometimes co-hosts the show, I said, "Do you want to come on this show tomorrow?" / he said "No." / and then I just lost confidence. I didn't ask anyone else. Uh, anyway, coming up on the show, Ed Gamble. / We've already had Ed Gamble. / that was ... Is that my bit done? / thanks very much for coming in, / can I tell you I'm tired and go home again. / that's it.

Yeah, it's my fourth ... my fourth year / Forth year / Festival / is it? / yeah, fourth year. / Wow. And you told me earlier that you ... as you left the hotel last year ... / I booked my hotel this year. / You said, ... on the way out, you said / check it out now / back in for the next year / when I arrived yesterday / book / earlier every time, and / why don't you / book it now / every year / should do / book / for the next year / and the woman __ the h__ section said "No." / Why? / I just think ... / given you a reason / minute / they wanna / maintain__ / guest variety in the hotel. / Yeah, exactly / so, that was the conversation / "Oh, ah, can I book in for next year, please / yeah / no / she went, "No, you can't." And she didn't give me any reason. / What? You didn't, you didn't ... / I think I would have said ... timidly I would have gone, "Why?" / agressive about it / I laughed. ... I laughed __ / 'cause I thought she was joking, and then she sort of walked off. / So, / I'm not trying booking __ __ all weekend. / Welcome to Wales, everyone. Croeso i Gymru. We'll keep welcoming ... "Can I book your hotel?" "No." __ __ I ... I drove __ on you, uh, yesterday, seven-hour trip from central London, and I've got, like, um, I don't wanna show off but we've got satnav in the car. / Right. / nice / Yeah. I've experienced the joy of __ on the way here __. / All right, Lloyd / tell, from your voice, you meant that sarcastically. / Really? / Yeah. Even a listener / tell / what an expert broadcaster I am. / tell __ what happened, Lloyd. What was your experience with my satnav this morning? / voice-activated satnavs __ clearly can't comprehend the Welsh accent. / I know / just ... so, both of us were just arguing with a robotic woman for half an hour. / I know. It's like I __ __ tell. She's more ... we ... yesterday, I said, uh ... I pressed the button, and it goes, bleep, "Voice activation. Please enter your destination ..." and, uh ... she's a woman. I can't do woman impersonation. __ __ the woman voice, uh, Lloyd / Uh, robotic woman as well / here's / robotic satnav woman / "VOICE ACTIVATION" / It's quite deep for a robotic lady. / Yeah. Can you take up a couple of, uh, / VOICE ACTIVATION. PLEASE ENTER YOUR DESTINATION. / That's better. I said ... I said, uh ... "Machynlleth" / I said "Machynlleth" / and then it exploded. / I said "Machynlleth." and, and it went, uh, it went, bleep, bleep, "CANCELLED". ... "DESTINATION CANCELLED" / Were you playing __ with that name / play with f__ / you / play with __ __ __ frankly. ... And, uh, and it said, uh, "not recognized" kinda thing, and I went on / and, in the end, I / I said / in the end, I just went "...", and it came up with ___ literally ... "M__" is one of those three options that it came up with "M / literally / we are / found it, we are all here. I'm sorry you can't book / hotel again / I'm gonna keep persevering__ / is there anyone else who works there? Is there anyone else / go to? / wait / next / maybe adopt disguise. / Yeah. / "Ah, hello, I'm a baron, and I __ book a hotel room for next year? Thank you. / maybe I should book it for you. / Yeah. Uh, yeah, maybe we should call them later on. / Yeah. / Yeah, cerebrity, Rhod, you could get a better room as well. / Oh, no, actually I __ ... I hate doing that. / Maybe en suite_ / I hate / en suit room / having to go out of the window / wife / in case people don't like me / my name / I can't stand you on the telly / in my house / I do. That's why, uh, my wife books everything. So, you / the other way round rather than them giving you / preferencial / you / worried / completely / against / any treatment. / Yeah. I don't do that, kind of, uh ... / "Do you know who I am?" thing / my wife ends up bringing up someone, ... they said, "you can't stay here", and she says, "Do you know my husband or something?"

"Hi, Rhod. I thought __ great story in today's Sun about teenagers befriending cabbages." says Adam in Northampton. "I love the psychiatrist's response. Keep up the / dug it out for you / all over again / other people can enjoy it / we share the picture of some, uh, Chinese people walking cabbages. ... Um ... teens in __ ... walking a cabbage is better than walking a dog." says one teenager. / __ __ __ pick up. / Well, he __n't even mention that. / Well, I would have thought / that would have been a / bit of cabbage / yeah, exactly. That is, perhaps / messages / longer / sticks / you throw / says "They don't bark. They're better than dogs / have / cabbage on a lead / better than / dog / they don't start fight with other cabbages ... says it doesn't even need feeding. This is, that ... I mean, you know, let's not, uh, ... lonely ... Chinese psychiatrists ... "Walking cabbages is better than walking dogs. They don't bark, blah blah blah ... / decided / vegetables / taken for walks by teenagers in China. This is a bit that is not funny. It's a way to get over depression and loneliness. Loneliness and depression of anyone, including teenagers, especially teenagers possibly, is / awful, Right? / I think / we are not making light of that. I'm questioning the cabbage thing. / having a pet cabbage is surely just going to make things worse, isn't it? / Well, let's see what the Chinese psychiatrist has to say / I always differ to his judgement / "W__ C__" ... I'm not sure if it's "him", you sexist. / the idea is simple. You feel as lonely and as simple as a cabbage, so you begin to act like one and befriend one." I'm not sure if it's that simple an idea, is it? / No. / It's a cloud, isn't it? Is the, techni ... / lonely as a cabbage / lost in the translation. / A cauliflower looks like a cloud. / That's probably ... that's probably where all this started. That's probably / started / Somebody in China read / / somebody / mix up the cauliflower, then ended up / bad translation of __ __ / It says "The idea is simple / lonely as a cabbage / feel as lonely as a cabbage. ... I've never thought / cabbage is lonely / any more lonely than a carrot. I suppose / usually / or something. / one cabbage / you do. No one's ever gone / solitary, the old cabbage. / If anything, all this / done / __ me dull about cabbages. ... So, who is it for? Is it / more personal for the cabbage? I / sprouts / sprouts might be a better analogy. / Why? / Well, you could drag a ... / Sprouts are not lonely, mate. / Exactly. You __ drag a bag of sprouts, and / one net bag. / it's quite / Do you know what? I'm already feeling a little chirpier, __ __ the idea of pulling it along on a lead in a little packet of sprouts / all / together bobbling along / funnier than one cabbage. / Much funnier than one cabbage. Much more upbeat, aren't they? / bound to lift your / little bag of b__ sprouts.

Mr. Ed Gamble is here. ... Hey, I read it ... I read things about you the other day / Did you? / Yeah. ... It said / read / Was it written on a toilet wall? / it wasn't written on a ... / ignore that, ignore that. / Ignore that, listeners. It's Lloyd Langford there. He's being deliberately disruptive. ... No, it wasn't written on a toilet ... / toilet wall / not everything I read is on toilet walls / good 80%, yeah? / 80%. ... 80%. Certainly 90% of what I decide to take onboard and memorize. What ... / I read something about you / that said, ... I'm not very good at memorizing things and remembering stuff. It said something about you off to Hollywood / film staff, something like that. / It was ... sort of, sort of like that. And, I, uh, I've made a TV show in the States ... / Ah. / __ called "Almost Loyal" / That was it. / That was the one / that's the one / correct. / So, not quite __ Hollywood film star / you know, I've been in America / with a camera, filming something / tell me a bit about that / because I can't remember what I read / I play 50th in line to the throne, / Ah. / George C__ton, / And is there any truth in that? / Ah, no, I'm not 50th in line / the throne / or any ... as far as I'm aware / I read it / toilet wall somewhere / Yeah, exactly, that's the toilet wall thing. You should just ignore that. Um, and, uh ... when / for a couple of months with an actress called Amy H__, who played my sister, / yeah, / and, we travelled around, uh, the States pretending we were filming a documentary about being, uh, about being a loyal family, and met, uh, loads of people / things. / It was great fun / And when does it come out? Can we / America in June. I don't know. I think / over here / I don't understand those things / or go to America / what kind of a thing? / I don't ... I don't know / Can I do it to Lloyd? / No, it's not stuff like that. / All right. / downloading it ileaglly. / I thought / something illegal / and then watch it. / Yeah, that's it. I ... you know, / stay __ __ / We were talking about you last night, weren't we? / Oh, yeah, probably. You __ __ ... you've said very nasty things __ me / read all that on a toilet wall / if you are aware __ how Lloyd walk as a human being, you'll know that, on land, on grass and stuff __ supremely ung__. ... He ... he doesn't get about efficiently. He's an awkward walker, / yeah, / he / a strange gait__ / awkward / born / he doesn't look like / watch him in the water. ... He goes in the water. He __ ... he's like a dolphine. Honestly / last night / I / up a theory that Lloyd / was actually a penguine__ because ... No, he's amazing under water. In water, he can bodysurf __ __ I've ever seen. I remember you telling me / from your dad / lifeguard / blah blah blah, and then this / bodysurf. And then, also, it was revealed to us last night that Lloyd is extremely good on __ ice, on ice-skating / he's terrible on land / and I went bog snorkeling. / And he went bog snorkeling. / What's bog snorkeling? / You know what bog snorkeling is. / I do not. And I resent that accusation / through, Lloyd / I'm sorry / fed you / box / It's just snorkeling __ very muddy water. / Yeah. / But what's the point? / There's no point really. It's like one of those crazy ... / It's a q__ ... / yeah / bog snorkeling / I did it, and, uh, they were so impressed that they've asked me to compete the world championships. / Absolutely amazing. / you stick Lloyd in a bog or on ice / world class / in water / like a / snorkel to bog / He's amazing. But, on land, he's awful. Just / get around / exaggeration. / Is there any way you could live in ... in the water / yeah, like / sort of / like "Splash" / my fingers __ get wrinkled. / Yeah, but eventually, surely if you __ __ long enough ... / that is only down ... that is only weakness ... / his weakness. Apart from that, he's / Darril Hana / his fingers go wrinkly / only reason why he doesn't live in the water.

please / a shout out." Uh ... I don't know who this is from. / So, is that it? / at least he said who / give the shout out to / do that bit. __ harder __ looks now we / "Please __ __ a shout out to big fan Graham, who listens every week, who's recovering in B__ Hospital / Ab__wyth / This is interesting, "... after a wheelbarrow-inflicted injury." ... so it says. / __ __ any further / must / to recover / hospital / hospital, yeah. But the way / written it / there are two exclamation marks / end / being fun about it / being fun about it. / Yeah. / maybe / a tussle__ in / allotment with a rival gardener / yeah / that's a natural assumption / wheel barrow__-inflected ... / do get very protective / yeah, you could / tomato ... / waiting list. / Yeah. / someone's tomato plant. ... Then there are ... there are __ ... a guy brandished a t__ / at / you think rather than ... __ __ my first assumption / you think / somebody's attacked / Maybe ... maybe there was an argument over a ... over a hoe. / Could have been an arguement / hoe / yeah / break / one of many tools / allotment tools are there? / I don't know / got a feature, actually. / talking of a feature, we've got a message / look at this, from Naomi / "Dear Rhod, I get the feeling / house / flat in London / doorbell / wait for 30 seconds / plane / overhead. It's like Wimbledon / I get the feeling that / unexpected interruptions / puppy barking, aeroplanes / doorbells and so on / may be considered bad form by some listeners. I think it's edgy. / not __ irritationg at all / incompetent. / "... As a long time podcast listener, I think I'm qualified to reassure you / fun / Lloyd / tedious nature of your feature / yeah, but she wrote that before / new feature / is / what / tools / in an allotment?" / Feature 1: allotment tools. ... All right. Let's make it more interesting / you can name five in ten seconds. / Now? Me? / Yeah. / five allotment tools / Am I allowed to use ones that have already been mentioned? / Of course not. / All right then. / OK, hang on a minute / put time on this. ... OK. / Now you wouldn't use that / you might if you go / trim a ... trim a plant. / No. You / vegitables and things like that / but / weed c__ up / a big weed ... like a Japanese knot weed. / What? / peach off a bush / yeah, what if / you two have clearly never been / you don't snip ... snip a peach off a bush / First of all / ripe / peaches grow on trees. / Right. / grow on bush / peach / trees are high-up bush, isn't it? / don't / just a high-up bush / ten seconds / ages ago / all those interruptions / well, if you were a c__ quiz master, you'd have let me / five answers / after the tone / No, I'm not playing / Go on. Go / Uh, __ ... / no, you can't / gardening gloves / Oh, yeah / tools / gardening gloves / gardening trousers ... / hat ... / Car. / Shed. / that's not an allotment / gardening / slug pellets / name five allotment tools in ten minutes / tell you what / ten seconds / tell you what / this / go / T.V. / some listener __ __.

"Rhod," says Freddie, who is a female / "not that it matters," she says. / I imagine / it does / certain instances / female / not that it matters / "Rhod, having discovered your show by pure chance / nice one / start with insult / only / usual listening tri__ of radio 3, Radio 4 and Radio 4 Extra" So / listens / apart from our show / anyway / sound / in deepest G__ / keep up the pretence of caotic broadcasting, which, I think, / hallmark__ / lloyd / untangle / She knows / pretence / slightly backhander__ compliment / Yeah. I think / keep up the pretence / pretending to be / very hard at it / if the accusation is / one of the slickest DJs on radio, then I have no ... no b__ with that. I'm certainly slick. I'm tempted to / says Freddie / does / effort though. It's / frankly / bother / at all / email again, and / have to edit it / perfect / doorbell / I'll tell you what / happening / even / show / interruptions / I think it's probably / Ed's taxi / probably / looking from outside, waving / Some women? / Yeah. / women outside are waving / like like The Beatles / hotel room in the early sixties / so many women down below / I can't see, I can't see / probably get / passes two women. They're quite small. / blanket over your head / playlist / does seem / s__ apathy / so, maybe / just send one in / stop talking about / send / we are in the middle of, un, well, I don't know who / talking about / Dave / Gareth, apparently, is his name is / producers / came / Dave, Dave, from Bermingham / Gareth, Gareth / from Bermingham__ / from, uh ... it's definitely Dave now apparently / caotic broadcasting ... look / playlist / this is one of his, whoever he is.

lots of stuff on the, uh, / allotment tools. / Really? / feature / name five allotment tools in ten seconds / Lloyd did very badly, Ed Gamble / very badly / very well but / using things / already mentioned in this show / __, __, hoe ... / trowell__, which / I wasn't / joined your show late today / talking / have you heard d__ yet?" says / now, I don't know what d__ is / definitely / is a good one. That is, like / little sticker thing / make / that / yeah / definitely / very definition of a tool / dib a little hole / that sound / with a stick / sound is more / yeah / very difficult / no, that's not ... / depends on the consistency of your earth / metallic ... metal. / ... and the PH content. ... Very garden-centric, uh, show, this. / gardening / about this last night / what / about / about this? I / really / fact that you / very good on land / another thing / very good / fell / ladder / but the strange thing was / you can tell the story about / at the end of it, you said "I really enjoyed it." That was the detail / pick / ladder / six inches / left / went / good fun / it was good fun / See, / I don't understand / falling down the hill / go on. / explain / gardening / neighbour. / my tools / I've got my toolbox / "What's in it, mate? / gloves and slug pellets. What / doing / hedge-trimming / slug pellets out / needed / offered / very / steep / inclined / I had to use a stepladder / was / hole / block of wood or something / toolbox / pellet / No. So ... and then, his garden, very steep hill / full of stinging nettle / wooden / honest / sounds like a hedge / stinging nettles on the hill / don't / it's not gonna win, uh, __ __. / so, you were / how high up / about ... I don't know, / six / ground / you fell off, / I fell off / ladder / hill / very difficult. / I have ... can honestly say I've never tried / gravity always get you. / Yeah. / You can try and fight / or a pogo stick ... even / pogo stick / short-lived / gravity always / in the end, __ it? / nobody / forever / fell / great fun, apparently / really / say / the __ was pretty good / Was it? / Yeah. / proud / parachutest / do you know how to fall? / minimum of injuries you'd imagine / sustain / some splinters on my hands, / yeah, / they are still there / using / badge of / stinging nettle things? / cause I / tucked my arms in and rolled quickly / you did / and a couple of cuts and grazes / very good on land / just / upright / very good / actually roll into a ball / you're really / like a hedgehog

in your hand / this show / supposed to be all about. / we haven't / yet / so / allotment tools / flolicking / tabloids / Go on. / I can't believe this / page 35 of the Miller / tiny little column, right / huge block used to build / may have been solved in two words / uh ... / what / how / riddle / in Egypt / how did they build them? / that's the question / and the answer is two words? / Yeah. / nudged them __ / That's too many words. / have you seen the / massive / stone / push / your feet up against / just push / Feet-pushing? Is that your answer? / feet-pushing / I can do it in one word; kicking / together / place / top / it's a riddle, innit? I don't know. I'm no expert. I've got / friend / flat tire / know the answer? / which / the car tire, or the pyramids? / how / how / how / ok / public transport / in ancient Egypt / or something / tied together / buffet camel in the middle / It's true, that. / yeah / do they all face the same way / think / against / I've always thought / like a train / some of the camels / like / one / facing west, for example / one / other end / facing east / walk in backwards, you mean? / place / turn / turn round / just / way / this is ridiculous / around / oil tanker / train / together / I think / different way / station / whatever / pull straight back / is that / is that the secret? Is that the riddle? / opposite / public / what is it? / "Wet sand". / Wet sand? / no / surely / water / made / of / this is what / university / this trick / There you go. / wet / somebody / water / pushed / I would have thought / front-page news / still / the top. / Uh, yeah. / which, I think, is probably / harder / one / built / one massive stone on top of nothing / hoping for the best / maybe / right / in the air, / yeah, and / around / "Mmmmggg, quick, quick, / in / underneath it / it's like, that, uh, Jenga.

if / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

If you enjoyed that one, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / Saturday / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.